I don’t know why you want me to write you a letter all of a sudden. I dont know what is your ulterior motive, cause frankly I don’t think you can be a huge help for me. I appreciate you taking the initiative to want to figure out whats going on with my life but this spontaneous sentimentality is stirring up a lot of confusion. In any case, the thing that is going on in my life is something I have to deal with alone. But if you really must know than I’ll tell you.
Like I said it before and I’ll say it again my recent breakup with my ex has been eating me up a lot lately We were together for 1 1/2 year, the longest I’ve ever been with anyone. We were in love, she was my paramour. She was my best friend. Then life happens, she landed a full time job in SF, I was still in Davis. She was meeting new people, making money, promoted to a higher job ranking and later became a manager for a software company. Meanwhile, I was stuck in Davis, being a 25 year old undergraduate…constrain by this college limbo. I felt useless, immobilize, and most importantly unsure of what the future holds. Our relationship is a strange one, it was a constant on and off. I won’t bore you with the details but long story short…I figured it was best that we break up. I had to put my heart away and start thinking with my head. However, even till this day…I question whether us breaking up was the right thing? If the circumstances that was the only force that gotten in the way of our love, then why couldn’t I fix it? The answer: I was lazy. I was too comfortable of us and was not willing to fight for our relationship. So we broke up.
That was last summer. I figured, if I really love her, I must care about her future. All the signs were pointing towards that direction, to let her move on with her life and discover herself in SF. Do I miss her? Of course, every single day. Seeing pictures of her surrounded by guys, drinking, having fun gotten the best of me. I can’t help but felt betrayed in a sense. Its like a part of me is gone. Half of me cease to exist. Sometimes I let my imagination take the best of me, conjuring images of her with other men having sex, putting their hands on her. It became an obsessive thought, consuming the best of me.. I was fueled by anger, jealousy, betrayal, and confusion. I harbored that energy, feeding it, allowing it to sculpt into something useful. I became hungry, wanting to use that energy and convert it into something productive. As a result, I made films. Lots of films. Any idea that I can think of, I transformed it into visuals. I wanted to show her that I was better. That I don’t need her. That the guy you’re hanging around can never be as good as me. It became unhealthy. It was a competition that served no purpose. The end does not justify the mean. Because in all honesty, she probably could care less of all the hidden signs I’m throwing at her. I don’t blame her. She has her own life to live. And I have my own life to live as well. That was November.
Last month, I asked myself everyday…”how can I better myself?” I cannot go on living in the past, hoping that she will come back to me? So I accepted it. Everyday became a therapy. Every little task, the remedial simple mundane activity took form of meditation. I take long showers, look myself in the mirror, long walks…every thing slowly progress itself as therapeutic. I go to to Arc, hit the bags to improve my fitness. I read novels that I wouldn’t dare touch in the past, to improve myself intellectually. I write in my blog everyday to better myself as a writer. I eat by myself. Go on long walks by myself, Run by myself. Talk to myself. Essentially did all these things by myself to remind myself that I need to be okay being alone. That I need to learn to love myself and not give a fuck what she thinks. Its a selfish thought but I needed it in order to survive mentally and emotionally. And so lately I’ve become quite the introvert…while she is transforming herself into a person that I wouldn’t imagine. The girl I use to love is forever now just a remnants of my yesteryear memories.
So you see Kim this is why you can’t understand the kind of pain I’m going through. The heartbreak, the betrayal, the loss of trust, human companionship, best friend…all that. You can’t understand. Why? Because you have never been in a relationship. And I’m sorry to say but your 1 month relationship with P doesn’t count. You can empathize with me that I’m sure but to emotionally know what I’m going through? I fear not. And so, I’ve grown to hate relationships. Seeing the damage that it can potentially do to someone. The heart is a fragile thing. I don’t care how big or strong a person can be, but the fragility of this 1 pound pulsating tissue that takes form of what we call a “heart” is nothing more than sponge…waiting to soak in all that bitter, hate, and heart broken.